So it begins innocently enough with a minor oversight: Forgetting to put on sunscreen...
...unless of course you're me on a week the universe has some spare time. Then it's not an oversight at all. It's an orchestrated event where the universe makes the pool look so damn inviting that I get all excited, throw on swim trunks, grab my goggles with the nose thing (we'll talk about attempts to breathe and not breathe underwater later), and dive right on in. Not once did the thought of "Oh, hey the sun is out and it's kind of hot and burny" ever cross my mind. Why? The universe took its cosmic phalanges and stirred my brain so I'd forget.
No, it wasn't my fault, I'm not (that) forgetful. This is my blog, I can shirk responsibility all I want to, stop judging me.
SO then I get in the pool and I'm all like OMG YAY WATER!
Two hours go by, I get out, I feel fine. I wash off, I do the necessary moisturize-the-burnt-area (my shoulders and back to about my shoulder blades) routine and move on. I believe I've won.
No.
The next evening, I feel this warmth on my back. It felt a little something like this.
Any sensible person would feel this and go, "Oh shit, this is painful." I'm a sensible person.
However, I'm also aware that this solar storm emitting from my back and shoulders is just a ploy. The universe wants me to use that blue aloe gel sunburn crack stuff. You put it on, you feel better, it wears off, you hurt, the cycle starts over. This is also the point where you or someone near you Googles and finds that you should take a hot shower while pouring vinegar and peanut butter with sea salt and peppermint lavender tea bags all over your burned areas. Because we all know if it's on Yahoo Answers, it MUST be right.
Don't lie, you've believed something on Yahoo Answers. I have too; we're in the same boat. What? They had sources, one of which was Wikipedia.
After realizing what the 'verse was up to, I gave it the finger and said "I'ma take a shower and use my Aveeno like always! I got this figured out."
Yeah, no. Shortly after the Aveeno is rinsed off, the most persistent, piercing, painful, itch begins. This is the itch I was trying to avoid by properly moisturizing and using colloidal oatmeal body wash. There's only one name for it: The Primal Itch. This feeling causes the inner beast to come out until it stops or I'm adequately medicated.
I grind my teeth as the feeling of a thousand ants crawling under my skin and biting away at the threads that keep my skin attached to my body begins to worsen and worsen. It's awful. Imagine the most irritating itch you've ever had (but please don't share, I'm not okay with knowing about your itching in personal areas) and then multiply it by 1000. Or divide by 0. Either way, it's an insane feeling.
First come the head convulsions. I shake my head all around because I have little options at this point.
Next, the seizing of the shoulders. Which effectively leads to the last resort : The dog-on-back roll.
These work for about 10.74 seconds, then the itching starts again. No lotion, cream, or gel will do. They just piss of the make-believe ants and it gets worse. Trust me, you think real ants are bad when angry, the make believe ones are hell.
After enough of this, I down a benadryl or two. Followed by some advil. This sort of staves off the pain until I can ease myself back into reality.
To summarize:
1) Don't give the universe the finger.
2) Oatmeal should be put in bowls, not shower gels. It's called oat-MEAL, not oat-WASH for a reason.
3) Make-believe ants are not friendly.
4) Too much Benadryl in one night can lead to some scary dreams.
Universe: 2. Me: 0.
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