An important part of knowing that the universe (also referred to as the 'verse or just 'verse from here on) is against me—and you too—is being able to identify the agents that the ‘verse has hired or unwillingly employed to inconvenience me…or us.
One of these agents is Food. It comes in many forms, but if the universe can use food against you, it will. The ‘verse is quite the culinary artist, so I’ll do my best to present some of what it hides in the picnic basket of doom. Well maybe not doom, more like disappointment. Yeah, picnic basket of disappointment!
The Lone Cuisine
Apparently this little agent of the 'verse is incredibly cheap to hire out or there is way more supply than there is demand (which is hard to believe) because it's all over the place. The Lone Cuisine is when you go to the fridge/pantry/spinny cabinet with snacks in it and there is only one thing left in said space. And usually this one thing is the one thing that you don't have a taste for.
For example, you go into the cabinet and you look around for something sweet. You know you bought some pop tarts, 3 boxes of Little Debbies because they were on sale and a huge bag of those flower shaped chocolate chip cookies with the holes in the middle that you used to put on your finger (and still usually do) when you were in Sunday School.
But lo and behold, none of those items are there! How in the world did you eat 36 fudge rounds, 16 pop tarts and all of those Sunday school cookies in two and a half weeks? Then you do the math. A pack of pop tarts for breakfast for 8 days, then fudge rounds when those ran out, plus a few for dessert because you bought the small fudge rounds and then those cookies just sort of disappear no matter what.
Yup, the only thing left in the cabinet is the granola bar. Do you want a granola bar? No, it's not sweet. It's salty and has hints of cinnamon.
And sometimes, this one is compounded in severity by....
The Gilligan's Island
This is more of a state of being made by the fact that you live in some sort of anomaly, but still, the universe is the culprit. Whenever The Lone Cuisine strikes, you can go out and get something to rectify the situation. However, if you exist in this tragic state caused by the 'verse, well, sucks for you. Because here, as the name implies, you're stranded. Not necessarily because you fail to have transportation (which by the way may or may not be the 'verse's fault), but because everything around you is what you've already had every other night this week and there's nothing left to choose from. You could try to alleviate this by getting something different from somewhere else, but the truth of the matter is that you are still eating a coconut (or a chicken finger or whatever).
But this agent tends to lock arms with...
The LDR (Long Distance Relationship)
So you've been hit by The Lone Cuisine and realize you're stuck in the Gilligan's Island anomaly. You think to yourself "Is there any way to fix this?" Well, you do some self-assessing. You realize you're in the mood for Chinese. Good Chinese. Not the New North Star Fancy King China Buffet. That shit's shady.
Where is the nearest good Chinese food? Oh yeah, it's like 37 minutes away which at this point is far too far away for you to commit. You love Happy Smile GO! Chinese Bistro, you do. It means the world to you and you would love to spend time with it, but you just can't find it in you to go THAT far. You struggle with it because you are hungry, you do miss it, but at the same time, you're tired, it's dinner, and all you really wanted from the beginning was a cookie.
So you mentally break up with Happy Smile GO! and grab the granola bar.
Universe 1. You 0.
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