So last time we all learned that I was a paranoid only child afraid of DemonBearHog at night who grew up to be a hyper vigilant adult who swears you shouldn't eat soup if the date on the can is at all in the past lest you'll get botulism. Same goes for ketchup.
Oh wait, while we're on it, this whole "Best if used by" thing tends to be a bit of a struggle in the house. I refuse to eat things that are more than just a few days past that day, but my parents are all "It ain't gonna hurt ya! I been eating things past the date since I was little and I ain't dead am I?" The universe tended to avoid messing with me on this, until we bought French's Zesty Brown Mustard. I'm not exactly sure if we've ever purchased a new one or not, so I don't know how long the one that's in the fridge has been there, but I avoid it like the plague until I'm making a sandwich. Then I want something spicy and I look all over the stupid bottle like a date is going to magically appear knowing that I'm never going to find one. So after searching for the El Dorado of use by dates, I realize my quest for a spicy turkey on white just isn't realistic and I place it, sadly, back in the fridge for the cycle to happen a good month point five later.
I digress, back to etymological adversities.
Well, turns out, there are few more issues I've had with things that start with SNOR-.
First is the inevitable snorting of things you don't ever want to snort. No I'm not some cocaine addict. I'm already crazy enough as it is, I don't need substances to make it worse.
Exhibit A: We all know soap burns if it gets in your eyes and your nose. So what do we do? We make an effort to ensure our eyes and nostrils are safe. Whatever you do in the shower is your business, I won't judge.
So here I am, all excited because I'm about to make my hair daily clarified (as opposed to all-day volumized which I've done before). I lather, massage thoroughly through hair and begin to rinse when this rogue asteroid of suds flies from my hair and lands right under my nose. What does the universe do then? Well, it makes me have to sneeze so of course I inhale, asteroid included, and sneeze the single most fiery and painful sneeze I've ever sneezed. You are not supposed to daily clarify your nose hairs. EVER! I don't even like when water goes up my nose, let alone Sodium Laureth Sulfate and Ammonium Chloride! This burned for so long, it made my eyes water and my head hurt. I would imagine snorting Tabasco would be more pleasant. Seriously.
After all this nonsense, I sure as hell am not going to do the "Repeat" part.
And this is a general occurrence with me. If something is going to burn when snorted by accident, I'm probably going to snort it by accident.
But the Snorture doesn't stop there. Oh no.
Imagine the beach. Nice white sand. Clear blue water. So clear, you can see fish and coral and downed planes and more fish. It's so nice, it makes you want to be able to dive deep and look at all the shiny fish and possible lost flights that took off 75 miles away and became confused and went down in a blaze of glory.
And what sort of thing allows you to do this? Well, for the fancy, there's scuba diving. For the tourist who is only staying for about 7 hours before getting back on a giant boat, there's snorkeling.
Oh snorkeling. What an awesome idea.
No.
I'm all 16 and excited to try something new and I like oceans that I can see my feet in. Underpaid college drop out hands my friends, my dad, and me our snorkeling gear. Very simple gear: Goggles (I got these down pat), snorkel (should be easy), vest with emergency "Help I'm dying" feature (yay safety!) and flippers (they were yellow and I looked like a retard duck). By the way, he gave us no instructions.
We get out to the now craniate infested small plane and decide, it's time to snorkel. This should be simple. You put your face down, you breathe like normal, you don't let the tube get submerged.
Not if the universe hates you.
You put your face down, you swim 7 inches, you take one breath and your body panics and is like "YOU ARE NOT FISH! UNDERWATER BREATHING NOT OKAY!" so you emerge in a stupor of "why did I just fail at that?" You continue to go through this cycle of face in water hyperventilation for a good 8 rounds until you're tired.
And by you, I mean me.
After this, I'm sort of over this whole snorkeling thing. As I work my way back to shore with my retard duck feet, I realize shore keeps getting everything but closer. I eventually resigned myself to floating until I died all the while thinking "If I pull this Oh shit string, they'll save me but then I'll look lame". No 16 year old wants to look lame. All I wanted was just some way to inflate this freaking vest to help me out, but the only way I knew how was to pull the string. So, I rested in the water, too tired to kick my feet and barely keep my head up so I can breathe. At this point goggles and snorkel are all weighing down on random parts of my face. It was a mess.
I do make it to shore safely (as noted by my presence now) but I exclaim that I'm not doing this again. Two hours later, my dad walks up. He looks at me and goes, "Hey guess what we learned, you can use these and blow your vest up!" He proceeds to show me the tubes and inflate his vest.
Universe 5. Me. 1.
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